From A Daughter's Heart

Dear Ol' Dad,

Today, as I sit here I am struggling. Struggling for words adequate enough to write this without sounding crazy to everyone reading it. Struggling to get through this particular day without being an emotional wreck. But I already am. I have cried so much in the last week, I truly thought this would get easier as the years go by.

April 16th....your 60th birthday but today, instead of celebrating your birthday & teasing you about it, I sit here writing this letter to you from your daughter's heart.

I've written this letter to you a million times in my heart. I think of you so often, everyday in fact. I thought that after a while the tears would subside, that the ache in my heart & soul would ease. I didn't think your death would impact me the way it has. I knew I would miss you & no doubt I would continue to love you for the rest of my life but I didn't plan for the emotional roller coaster that the memories trigger.

I remember so many little things. I remember being a little girl & watching you. I remember thinking I have the biggest, strongest dad in the world. You were such a giant in my eyes (or it could've been that you were so tall & I was such a shrimp) either way, I knew I was safe & loved. I remember the time that the glass fell off the shelf & I went running down stairs & it cut my foot so severely that I basically had to learn to walk all over again. You wrapped up my foot & took me to the hospital. I can still see the blood on your shirt. I can still see the pain on your face. I remember.

I remember the smell of you...gasoline & grease!!! You never stayed in the house, you were always in the garage, always had your hands busy under the hood of a vehicle. How many times did we have to wait on you to come to the table & eat because you had to get the "timing" just right? We'd gladly wait again, if we had the chance.

I remember so many things like the calls in the middle of the night from the crew caller telling you the train was leaving. I hated those calls but I knew you were like any other dad & made sacrifices to feed your family. Thank you.

I remember that beautiful day in 1989 when we didn't have a care in the world. Then you and Mom came home with THE news. The pain in your back was in fact a cancerous tumor. Total shock. Fear. I am grateful though. Grateful that you were able to leave the railroad and move to the Ozarks to be among the trees you cherished so much. Grateful that you were able to meet each of your grandchildren. Grateful that you were able to spend so much time with us, teaching us the importance of life lessons, unselfishly sharing your wisdom.

I remember that hot day in August 2000 when we said our final goodbye and you went peacefully home to Heaven, never faltering in your faith.

Dad, you are still my HERO. You taught me the importance of love, life and faith. I miss you and perhaps I miss you so deeply because you loved me so well. Had you not loved me so well, my heart may not ache for just one more day.

I'll love you forever,
Tammy